As Mums we are made to feel guilty about everything we choose to do. Whether you're a full or part time working Mummy, a stay at home Mumma or a working from home Mum we are never made to feel content about the path we chose. You go to work and you feel guilty about missing milestones or time with your kid, so you work from home and feel guilty that you're at home but getting cross at your kids for demanding your time, so you commit to being a homemaker and feel guilty that you don't contribute financially to your household while your partner works. What ever the case may be you're doing great and you've made the right decision for you.
Over the four years of being a Mum I've tried all of the above and not once have I thought "Ayesh, you're doing great! You're a fantastic mother and you're childen are fine. You're doing the right thing." Instead I would question Jobes time at daycare away from me. I question my children's understanding of why I can't play with them even though I'm at home. I question my contribution to household decisions when I didn't earn any money. I question if my children are learning enough from me. I question if they're learning enough from another care-giver. I question the thoughts through their head when I leave them and I question their thoughts when I'm home. I wonder if they'll be okay. I wonder if they'll miss me. I wonder if they'll be scared. And no matter what the internal response. I feel guilty about it and think I should be doing better.
But do you know what? Today I grant myself permission to not be a guilty Mummy. To be a good mum I need to be energised, focus, clear, HAPPY and I need a sense of myself back. Over four years I have forgotten who I am, I have forgotten what music I like, what sort of books I would read, what generally gets me excited.
I look at Sia, who at 10 weeks old was torn from her home and dumped in the middle of the outback. She is missing that same time that Jobe was lucky enough to have with bonding with grandparents, cousins, friends. But do you know what? She is the happiest baby I have ever come across.
And Jobe. His Daddy has been doing FIFO since birth. Well he thinks he is the most special person in the entire world. Even after living in the outback for 7 months, he still gets excited to see him come home everyday.
So today, I leave both my children for the first time in 9 months. I'm going to sleep in, I'm going to drink a full cup of hot coffee, I'm going to eat food without even considering what everyone else wants to eat and I'm not even going to feel guilty about it. Do you know why? Because they will be just fine. They are fine.They're happy and healthy. Because they'll appreciate me more when I return. And I'll appreciate them a whole lot more too.